5 Ideas To Fix Award Shows

Award show ceremonies really should be an exciting affair. All of Hollywood's elitist society is gathered together to exhaustingly slap each other on the back (Oscars) or get completely hammered (Golden Globes). Our underdogs unite to lose graciously and the same winners rise to ascend the podium one more time.

Hosts come and go. Trailblazers are honored. Trendy new brilliant shows replace other trendy brilliant shows. We should feel like the entire industry is getting better and better. Yet somehow year after year we watch the same ceremony again and again.  It may just come down to how the show is scripted or if the host has faulty timing (Hugh Jackman) or is completely  disinterested (James Franco). But overall the award show has become pretty dull, lame, repetitive, exceptionally boring.

How can we make this anticipatory time of the year for movie buffs, television hogs, and people who hate award shows but watch them anyways more exciting? I have five easy ideas.

Don't script every presenter to mention how excited they are to be on stage or see someone famous in the audience...especially when they are good friends with said person in real life or work with them on their show. This is as equally awkward as letting hosts stand and point at random celebrities and nominees for ten minutes acknowledging that they are - WOW - attending an award show in their field. For the 50 actors that sacrifice those 15-30 seconds, the winners can have two or three more words added to their acceptance speeches.

The only time this really worked was when Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin hosted the Oscars, and didn't hold back on anything. They are basically two old crazy guys who didn't care if their jokes were a miss or hit. And, there was that time when Ellen Degeneres vaccumed around Clint Eastwood - she's just perfect.


No musical acts except for the Tonys. We'll accept legitimate talent singing legitimate music such as Elton John, or Conan tap dancing to "NBC is in trouble my friends. That's starts with a T which rhymes with a G as in Gee, we're screwed." But if it's the host just performing a song about how awkwardly awesome it is to sing at an award show even though they are not a professional musician, it's just awkward and not awesome.

Kirk Douglas laying the moves on Anne Hathaway. The Cecil B. Demile award where every winner is utterly smashed and rambles on for thirty minutes before finally reaching "Thank you." Michael Douglas talking about double handers. If there is one cure to coping with inevitable snubs and underwhelming wins, it's veteran winners and nominees who just don't give a damn. Decades in the business were spent shuffling along. I say give them the time to do and say whatever they please. Not only have they earned it but usually the most entertaining moment of the night happens during their speeches.

Hire Amy Poehler to plan every show. Dozens of nominations for this amazingly funny woman and never has she "won" an award. But every year she steals the show with her funny set-ups for Leading Actress in a Comedy category. From getting her fellow nominees to wear goofy glasses to lining up on stage to win Beauty Pageant style, Poehler automatically makes her category the most anticipated.

Let's go back to being utterly informally formal. Take a look at example Vivian Vance, Desi Arnaz & Lucille Ball winning for I Love Lucy. We understand everyone is there to honor each other because everyone in Hollywood is in the same room dressed to the max with awards to give out. Okay so maybe I'm taking away free speech but there's no reason for every presenter to remind us we're watching an award show.